"Well, I'm tired of saying everything
I feel like I'm supposed to say
I'm tired of smiling all the time
I wanna throw the mask away
Sometimes you just have a bad day
Sometimes you just wanna scream
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me that you feel just like me
We keep tryin to make it look so nice
And we keep hidin' what's goin on inside
But what if I share my brokenness
What if you share how you feel
And what if we weren't afraid of this crazy mess
What if we were real
I'm over hidin my tears
I think I'm gonna let em' go
I'm over actin so strong
When I ain't even in control
We make it so complicated
But why does it have to be
Why can't we open our hearts and let everybody see
What if we were real
We'd think a little less of ourselves
We'd care about someone else
'Cause we'd know just how they feel
Maybe we could let someone love us
Maybe we'd a little more like Jesus
Why can't we learn to real "
Song lyrics by Mandisa "What If We Were Real"
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Warning: This post is a little scary for me to have submitted, so try not and judge. I am not perfect and do not have it all together....I know, shocking...lol. This post is from the heart and my goal is to let people know they are not alone. Heck, I hope I am not alone in feeling some of these feelings. I would love to hear from some of you.
This song resonates deeply within me. Sometimes I wonder am I alone in feeling this way...No, I can't be alone. Life is full of hurdles and obstacles that I am sure everyone has those days when we have to grin and bear it for the sake of our secrets and truths coming to the surface. This blog post might make some people grimace or even mad at me, but I want to be REAL and just tell it like it is because I think this is a big issue with women especially. We compete to be the All American mom, wife, friend, etc. Facebook is a good example of this. Studies are showing it can effect your health by placing more stress in your life.
I wish we were all brave enough to say "Hey, I am a good person and would love to help you but honestly, I am going through a tough time right now and really would like a shoulder to cry on today." Unfortunately, that would be an admission of failure to most people we know. The respect people have for you and their perception of who you are, gets taken down a notch. Sad but true, it is human nature to judge people by visual appearances and top of the surface emotions. So we tend to smile and wave because nobody wants to hear and see a cry baby.
I was in a Bible study group at the church I attend and I loved it, In the beginning, I felt like I was finally a part of something special between women. I was having issues with my teenage son and asked my friends to pray for him and gave them updates every week. The study grounded me with God and I learned many things about what a Christian is supposed to be and humbled myself many times over.
Our studies over the weeks brought up the point of when we see someone in need such as a person on the corner holding a sign, instead of just handing them a wad of cash or bringing them McDonald's food, we need to stop and ask "Hey, what do you need? How can I help you get out of the situation you are in, tell me about yourself." We never even ask these people's names yet we pat ourselves on the back for "doing our part" to help them and drive away with a big smile on our face and sometimes go to the next person we see and boast about it.
We started studying the book of James through the eyes of Beth Moore (love her!). My struggles at home continued and I sat with my new friends as they told stories about their awesome teenagers, and they REALLY ARE awesome teenagers with a love for God in their hearts. It became very painful to go to Bible study each week. I felt like a very bad person because I wanted so much for one of their teens to reach out to my son and help him and I started to resent these wonderful ladies for not sending one of their children to throw a life preserver out to my own son. I am still ashamed that I felt this way, but keeping it real, that was my pain. It also stretched into my church attendance and made me question if I was in the right church home.
I kept making up excuses as to why I couldn't make it to the weekly study and eventually, they pretty much dropped me form emails and info. I deserved it, I guess.
Fast forward to now, my son still struggles and I have issues of low self esteem and insecurities that I am dealing with, but am trying to fight feelings of guilt while focusing on fixing my whole self. Part of the problem I have, and I think it must be a gene thing is that my mind turns out ideas and thoughts continuously. That is most likely the artist side of the brain which sometimes clouds the sensible side of the brain...lol. Not a completely bad thing, but I needed to step back this past week and look at why I had been feeling so down and I think it comes down to needing to read the Bible every day. The truth is, I am not surrounded by close friends. I spent years locked up in my own little world because I was afraid I was going to be outed for things I did as a teenager. My last group of close social friends was at the art studio I worked at in Florida and I miss them dearly. That was 18 years ago or so.
Because of my involvement with the PTO, I have come out of my shell and the school is activities has been my saving grace for the past two years. I could go there and do my thing and nobody asked about what was going on with my personal life. I am just the mom that comes in and creates events and activities and goes back home. I have even scaled that back since before Christmas, because I realized that I was probably wanting more from that gig. I wanted friendships. I desperately wanted friendships and thought maybe I could get that with the wonderful group of ladies that are the core of the PTO. I even thought my daughter who is shy, could gain friendships from their kids. It was wrong to expect that. I have even said to myself and posted it on Facebook to "not expect things from people because you will never be disappointed".
What I have learned in the last three months, God is who I need to have a close personal relationship with everyday. I need to read his words, talk to him like a friend. That doesn't mean I will figure it all out overnight. I am patient and my heart is open. Although I don't utter the words "Why" to God, I have said to him "Really"? Same thing, I need to accept and move on. We can not change the past, just try and heal the present.
On the fitness front line, I am getting ready to explore Les Mills Combat. I am hoping to empower myself and toughen up my outer skin. The Bible will toughen up my inner skin. I will keep you posted.
PUSH: Pray Until Something Happens....and then keep praying : ))
Jenn
