Chapter 3
Crush-Ed
Working at the art studio proved to be the best hands on education I could have ever hoped to receive from any college or university.
Because of my choice to fore go school, this taught me a trade that I had a real passion. I became a Textile and Decorative Artist.
While working there I met some fantastic people and a few very colorful characters too.
As I mentioned before, the studio owner became a second mom to me. She had been through a divorce and was the mother of a teenage daughter from her previous marriage and two young boys from her current marriage. D was the most insightful person I had met and she had a true concern about my current situation. I looked up to her, she was living a sweet life in a beautiful home and the most gorgeous family. And she was an artist! I thought we all had to starve...hehe. I learned so much from her both personally and professionally. D tried and tried to help me see that I was worth so much more as a person.
But in the end, it was a choice I needed to make myself on my own schedule. Kind of like a person's choice to live a better and healthier lifestyle. More about that later.
After I had my second daughter and went back to work we had a new male"studio helper". I was (transfixed? need a word) with him. He was so free spirited, relaxed, and your basic hippie type with beautiful long hair. At the time I thought it was a physical attraction, but I know now that it was more of an attraction due to the fact that he was the total opposite of me and I craved that. I had all these responsibilities like being a mom, wife, and bringing home the bacon. He was just a couple years older than me and just "hung" out with his friends at the beach just chillin' playing the guitar. What I wouldn't do just to be able to hang out at the beach sometime.
There was a lot of general flirting going on and being so young I did not realize that most guys just flirt with everyone..lol. But we did share a connection or kindred spirit kind of love. When he did have a girlfriend he would share with me and I would tell him my thoughts. He really disliked my husband because he knew I was so unhappy, but not in a jealous way just in a friend manner.
He invited me to go see Bob Dylan in concert with him and I was elated. Just a friend date, but somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping for more I had a lot of fun in me that I kept bottled up and he was the one person that could see that in me. As the night went on I became looser and looser until I was dancing in the aisle to Bob Dylan's "singing" ; ) I had a blast and he even said that he knew I had it in me.
We went and "hung" out at a little tiki bar and had the deepest of conversations. Well, it was the deepest I had ever had thus far in my life.
Somewhere in the conversation when I was spilling my heart about just how alone and insecure I felt, he said something like...."maybe you aren't meant to be living the life you are living. Maybe you are not supposed to be a mom?"
It struck me to the core. It was like a big release of sorts. Something I had thought from time to time, but never wanted to question out loud myself.
Since I got pregnant in high school, I was just going through the motions of what I thought I was supposed to do. Never once asking myself if it was what I wanted to do. And that was because still I had no idea who I was yet!
So there I was faced with the truth of having to now ask myself that question. What was I doing? Who am I? Do I want to be a mom?
My beloved hippie friend left the studio to carry on a little search himself. I missed him and felt so alone. But I thank him still to this day for asking me what I was too afraid to ask myself.
It was an epic moment and I was about to make a big decision.
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