Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Living Outside of My Skin (Chapter 4)


My brother and his nieces
cutting up in Florida



CPR
and
Life Support



Asystole_______Clear____/\/\/\___BAM!

Well that is exactly how I felt.

I will tell you right off the bat, of course I wanted to be a mommy!!!! That was the part of my crazy life that made any sense. My children were and are my life support.

It was the other part of my life that needed surgery. At this point I am living back at my parent's apartment with the girls. My husband and I were pretty much living two separate lives.


Then out of the blue my parent's announce that they are moving back to West Virginia. The company my dad worked for went under so he took a job as a traveling management consultant. My parents moved back because financially it was necessary. And that was my "temporary" out of my current situation. I broke the news to my boss at the studio that I was going back home. She was sad, but knew I needed to do what I had to do. However I think we both knew it was not permanent.

My parents, sister, and my girls and I all moved in with my grandparents back in good ole WV. However, my dad at this point was traveling alot so he was not around that much. It was very tight quarters, but it was working. As far as my hubby, he stayed in Florida and took on a room mate. We kinda had an unspoken separation at this time.

I was there for about three months and after a few calls from my boss back in Florida (or my second mommy), I decided to head back to Florida to try a little independence. My boss was fabulous. She and the girls at the studio decorated my girls and I a sweet little apartment while we were on the way back so we would feel like we were "home". I have to say that for the first time in my life I felt like the chains were off and I was going to start living my life. The life I was intended to live.

It was great for a while. The kids got to spend some time with their dad and I got a bit of freedom. My beloved crush of a studio helper knew I was back and we began talking on the phone and he would visit from time to time. Strictly platonic. Well, except in my head maybe...lol. I still was crushin' a little :)

It was good to have friends to spend time with and my family were all on board back home with my new found independence. My friends from work started hanging out at my apartment and they loved the girls so it was quite nice. It felt normal for once.

Then....my husband got under my skin. The thing about getting your "freedom" wanting to have all these new experiences and you are SURE you are going to have a great time doing this is that you get lonely. You don't have a soul mate to share it with.

Don't get me wrong...I really, really enjoyed having the kids all to myself. We had so many great moments. The problem was that holidays like Christmas and even birthdays which were all mashed together, make you start asking if you did the right thing. I desperately wanted a cookie cutter family...a mom, a dad, and the 2.5 kids. Emotions can sometimes take you off the path, huh?

About four months into it, I let my husband move in with me. Of course this came with some repercussions. My brother whom I had been close to pretty much disowned me temporarily (for about a month) and it left my boss scratching her head in disappointment and disbelief. But I know it was out of love for my kids and myself.


My boss decided to make me an appointment with her good friend who was a psychologist just to find out what the heck was wrong with me. In her head she thought...has this girl been abused...what is going on? Surely a psychologist can help this girl!

The psychologist after talking to me said..."Jennifer..D (my boss) cannot make decisions for you, you are the only one that can do it on your own schedule".

And BINGO that was it. I was letting my husband back in out of obligation and care because he was the father of my children. We were definitely not soul mates. I also had that religious aspect banging around in my head...was divorce what God wanted me to do??? I was so confused and scared!

It dawned on me that God would not want my girls, myself, or even my husband to be this miserable. So my solution was to move back once again to West Virginia so someone else could take care of my husband...his family. It may sound a little selfish, but that was my plan.


“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things; knows not the livid loneliness of fear.”

Amelia Earhart

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